ningxia

Starting something new is never easy. It can be scary,  overwhelming and sometimes it’s just plain HARD! No matter how much we prepare our minds for change, sometimes taking that first step before a giant leap is the hardest part of the whole thing.

Today as we venture into this 14 day reset, I have so many thoughts. My brain is saying ‘just one more day and you can start tomorrow” and “Just grab a muffin quick for breakfast. It’s not going to hurt anything”.  This is the addiction talking! The addiction is saying that no one will know. It’s saying that ‘just a little won’t hurt’. It’s saying that I NEED the food or pop or whatever. It’s telling me to stop on the way to work and grab a coffee, which isn’t even something I do everyday, but TODAY my brain is telling me that my body wants it.

Change is scary and even when it’s for our good, it’s still scary. And today my brain is in that spot. I’ve hidden behind weight for so long, knowing that I needed to make changes but not being fully ready.  What I’ve learned is that I have a bit of a perfectionist side about me. I’m afraid of failure. Everyone is watching! I’ve learned that I don’t set realistic goals because I don’t want to miss out on them and feel like I’m not worthy of ever achieving them.  So instead, I have settled for status quo. I have settled for mediocrity in many areas of my life.

Anyone who has tried to lose weight (and failed) knows that the mental roadblocks can play huge roles, as big as diet and exercise! We create so many questions in our heads as to what it will look like when we are healthier.  We have a fear of the unknown, especially if we’ve lived in a place of obesity for awhile. “Will my skin get saggy”? “Will I have enough money to buy new clothes when mine no longer fit?”  For those who’ve lived with 30, 40, 50, 100 pounds extra, we also may wonder what it’s like to be skinny and that unknown creates anxiety for us.

For some of us in this group, we hide behind the weight because of trauma.  Some will feel that if they stay behind the weight, they won’t get unnecessary attention that could lead to more hurt. They use the weight as a shield.

And for some of us in this group, being overweight is just what’s comfortable. We are used to this and it’s what we know. We know what to expect from day to day. We’ve altered our lives around what we know we can and can’t do.  We look for elevators because stairs will make us winded and sweaty by the time we get to our appointment. We park close to the doors at the store so we don’t have to walk too far.  We create excuses of why we can’t go place and become “comfortable” in our house, not wanting to leave.  We create nightly rituals around a bowl of ice cream or snacks while watching late night TV. And these things become our “normal”.

I remember when I was pregnant with my second daughter and my OBGYN said “Well you’ve hit a milestone?” I was so excited and asked him what it was.  He responded very nonchalantly with “You’ve hit 200 pounds”.  He also informed me at that time that I had gestational diabetes. I remember being devastated, but at the same time, I believe those words are one of the big things that ultimately led me to overeat. He put me on Diet Coke instead of Coke (OMG! What are these doctors thinking???) and I started drinking a 2 liter a day because I just didn’t feel like I’d had enough. (When I drank Coke, one can did it, but with Diet Coke, I needed more to get the same feeling). After my baby was born, I lost some weight but managed to keep on a good 25 pounds or so. Then came baby 3, 4, and 5. With each one I was closer to 200 pounds at the start so I hit this number more quickly. It almost became a challenge to see how quickly I could hit it.  And with each pregnancy I gained 40-50 pounds and I kept 15-20 pounds extra at the end.   I remember very vividly telling my husband that I was done trying to lose weight and that everytime I started, I would get pregnant. Boom Chica Wow Wow!  Those words eventually altered my brain to not want to lose weight. Why? Because I didn’t want to get pregnant! DUH! 

Ultimately, thoughts like this led me to where I am today. About 60 pounds over weight, facing the seemingly daunting task of having to face my fears, face my worries and start this journey of getting healthier.

The workbook questions that we have for this 14 day reset are fantastic and make us dig deeper and look at why we have the connections to food that we have.  Today’s question is to reflect on times you overate. What triggered it and how can we create better coping skills.  I challenge you to really do these daily questions and to plug in ACTIVELY to the challenge group.  We have to be willing to face this demon of food and addiction and doing it in a group is going to be the most empowering part of this whole journey!!!

So, today I’m being bold, as much as I don’t want to.  I’m facing my fears, putting myself out there and saying that today, January 15^th 2024, I’m starting on this journey at a whopping 221.3 pounds.  OUCH! I can’t believe I just admitted that out loud! I’m going to work on journaling some of this as well as what I’ve learned in the days and weeks leading up to this challenge, and I invite you to do the same. 
 
 We’ve got this!

XOXO
Kelly